Freedom.

I can't tell you how many times I have started and stopped this post since I returned from the Arctic at the end of August. Or even how many times I've written it and deleted it. I keep thinking I'm ready to write it and hit the publish button and then, it turns out, I'm not.

Before I went on this past trip, I was supposed to be hiking across Spain. Some health issues kept that from happening and the Arctic trip became the new plan, but the purpose behind the big trip at this time? It was my Freedom Trip. I had called it that in my mind for years. It was the trip of a lifetime that came at the end of my daily, hands on, kids are totally dependent on me, parenting journey. Don't get me wrong, the boys and I traveled as much as we could while they were growing up, but the Freedom Trip was different. It was going to be a long period of time, ALONE, where I could do what I wanted when I wanted and I could choose all the music and all the stops and all the snacks and all the activities and I didn't have to do anything I didn't want to do. It was to be a celebration of I DID IT! the kids are still alive (and so am I) 😄 yahoooooooo! This trip was just for me.

The whole thing was spectacular in so many ways and it delivered on all my boxes to check...

Exciting ✔
Adventurous ✔
Challenging ✔
Bucket List component ✔
New things to see and do ✔
Yummy food ✔
Meet new people ✔
Rest ✔
Read ✔

However, I also got a lot more than I bargained for and it's taken the past few months to move through all that and start to come out the other side. After 20 years of living a fairly intense, fast paced, high stress, sometimes traumatic, all consuming kind of life and then bringing it to a screeching halt with 9 weeks of down time, it proved to be too much too fast and my world kind of turned on its head. I was SOOOOOO not prepared for that. About 10 days in to my trip, my body was relaxed and was feeling good and then? My brain started to download the past two decades of unprocessed and unfiltered life. To say it was A LOT would be an understatement. There were so many emotions in a relatively short amount of time and it was overwhelming. The benefit of being on such an amazing trip is that I had plenty of things to distract me and keep me focussed and occupied while I was away from home - if I had been sitting on a beach somewhere, I don't think things would have gone quite the same way. So yay for epic adventures!!

Once I got home, my world hit me like a tonne of bricks and the crash was big. The Dr called it "severe burn out" but I changed it to "epic burn out" (sounds way better, no?). There's a whole bunch that goes in to those words, but I'll spare you the details. The end result though was less work, more rest, empty the calendar, get off social media, turn my phone off, work with a counselor who can deal with my life (and me! -pray for her 😁) and be patient.

When I left on the trip I had some health issues (all stress related!) and by the time I came home they had all resolved themselves. The trip was healing for my body. And even though, for the past few months, I was convinced my mind was breaking, it was not - it was, in fact, healing too. I have been warned that burn out recovery is long and I need to just accept that, but patience is not my strong suit so if any one knows any tricks to move things along...

Do you know it is just over 6 months from the day I pulled out of the farm and hit the road? Half a year has passed! In some ways it feels like a lifetime and in other ways it could have been yesterday. I am slowly dipping my toes back in to life outside of the bubble I made for myself in the past 4 months and learning a new pace of life. It is so odd to realize I don't have to live the same edge of your seat life that carried me for so many of the past years. What am I going to do with myself??? No, seriously, WHAT AM I GOING TO DO with myself? Crisis mode and regular mode are very different things and regular might be a bit boring after a while...

As noted, the Freedom Trip gave me so much more than I anticipated. I went in to it with a mindset of celebration that I was finally free from a long stage of life and came out of it in the midst of actually becoming truly free. God is sneaky like that.

Today I have been going through the almost 2000 photos that I took in my 9 week adventure and trying to decide which ones I want to print and frame for my wall. I am so proud of myself when I look at the places I went and the obstacles I conquered to reach my goal and to know that I did it by myself makes it even sweeter. It has been a reminder that "I can do hard things" and I need that reminder a lot right now, so thank you Freedom Trip, for continuing to provide what I need to learn from you.

To every single one of you that followed along with me, cheered me on, prayed for me, worried about me, gave me advice or were available on the other end of a phone when things were going rough or when things were super exciting, THANK YOU.

It's a new year and there are new adventures awaiting - let's go get 'em.


*PSA - if you are struggling with mental health concerns, please get help. At the very least, talk to a friend and have someone in your life who is aware of you on a daily basis. Ideally, talk to your Dr and seek whatever kind of treatment is right for you and your situation.

If you are in crisis you can text HOME to 686868 (in Canada) to text with a trained Crisis Responder.
If you are feeling unsafe with yourself call 1.833.456.4566 or text 45645 for Canada Suicide Prevention and Support
If your needs are immediate and life threatening, call 911.
For mental health resources in your area see your Dr or check out cmha.ca