The "pause".

The nerves have hit.

Several years ago the boys and I spent 5 weeks in Florida and the Bahamas. One of those weeks we spent at the Atlantis Resort and we had a crazy good time in the amazing water park. It is not for the faint of heart - there are several slides there that have been featured on different episodes of Extreme Waterpark - they are fast and dark and unexpected. Some of the slides are inside large, themed buildings, which means you can not see what they look like or where they end up. At the top of the slides you are basically dropping in to a black hole with zero idea of what is to come - that is the biggest fear factor for me. We had been there a few days and there was one slide I still had not been down and Brendan refused to tell me what it was like. I had watched other people go down it and seen many people chicken out as well. I have always had a thing about being able to keep up with Brendan and he has pushed me out of my comfort zone many times! It's not that I have lost my nerve as I've gotten older, but I have definitely noticed a "pause" in the past few years. Before I would have just jumped into that black hole without a thought, now I tend to pause and evaluate first (not always a bad step, but it really, really bugs me.). I have spent a lot of time thinking through this because, as I said, it really bugs me - it's not the height or the darkness or the speed - it's the unknown. 90% of the time I don't give the unknown a second thought, but every now and then, if I don't act fast enough, the unknown becomes a wary place and it becomes harder to enter as each moment passes.
Back to the water slide.... Brendan really wanted me to do it and I really wanted to do it too, but I paused for too long and walked away (more than once). On our second to last day, I gave myself a good talking to (and then googled whether or not there had been any reported injuries or deaths on this slide) and decided enough was enough, I was just going to do it. I would like to say that I just marched to the top, stepped down the two little steps in to the chute and went for it, but I did not. I got to the top and stood there and let many, many people go in front of me. (Oh, did I mention that while we were at the resort there was also a New Jersey Police Department convention? The place was crawling with Jersey cops - mostly men - and there were two camps of them. The just jump right in and do it kind and the not on your life kind.) While Brendan and I were at the top of the slide he had enough of me not getting it done and told all the guys up there that his mom was too scared to go. (The child knows how I tick.) So to a chorus of "come on mom, you can do it" I stepped down the two little steps and didn't look back. I'm fairly certain my eyes were closed the entire time because I don't have a clue what happened until I dropped in to a pool in a cave somewhere. You guys, it was so much fun. So scary, but so fun. Of course I went again and again and again.

I do have a point in all this...

I have had this week off. I finished work last Friday and this week has felt like one big "pause". As I said before, the nerves have hit. While I was lying in bed last night, I remembered the quote from Stephen King that says, "The scariest moment is always just before you start." That is so true for me (and I'm sure most people!). I remember the scary feeling before I stepped off the high tower diving board when I was 5. I remember getting on a plane to move across the country with a friend when I was 18. I remember selling all my belongings and moving to England soon after I was married. I remember packing up two babies and stepping off a plane in Turkey, to meet strangers and live in a village on the outskirts of a city. I remember taking two kids across the country on a train with just our backpacks for 6 weeks. I remember following Brendan down a mountain in Alaska on a mountain bike at some crazy, breakneck speed.  I remember those feelings vividly and I am feeling that feeling now. And you know what? Every single one of the times that I associate that feeling with has turned out to be an amazing, unforgettable experience and I'm sure this one will be too - I just need to get through the next few days of "pause" time.

And then not get eaten by a bear...